Sausage Wars

Lay down your arms you Austrians! Surrender you Swedes and give up you Germans! The Sausage Wars are over! Once more plucky Brits jutted out a strong chin to Europe and said “not today Fritz!”

Frau Merkel and her co-conspirators in EU HQ have been thwarted in thier diabolical schemes. Quivering in thier foxholes they realised that Captain Johnson was about to “go over the top” while Bomber Commander Farage was circling his Lancasters round Turin and they couldn’t hack it!

On thier hands and knees they came crawling through our barbed wire waving the white flag of surrender. Begging to allow British sausage to be sold in Northern Ireland once more!

Once again we are able to sell British meat products to other parts of the UK! Before Brexit the EU would have set up a commission to find out what the environmental impact of your sausage butty was! Then as YOU’RE DROWNING IN RED TAPE they’ll probably take your precious butty, rename it a “Flugerstuber” and give it to some immigrants landing on a beach! This happened DAILY before Brexit.

Let the bells ring out in Belfast and rejoice! The Holy sausage sandwich is back and there’s NOTHING those Brussels Big Wigs can do about it

Just like Flanders we stand victorious.

At the cooking of the breakfast we shall remember them.

Party Time

As the Conservative Party Conference gets into full swing I look forward to a number of scheduled events that will no doubt titilate the attendees and shove one in the eye of the woke.

  1. Fish Out The Deadwood With John Redwood- Conservative behemoth and all round fishermans friend hosts a six hour discussion on the ways you can trim your workforce (and shed those Lefty layabouts) just like the fishing industry has done.
  2. Trust With Truss- A positive reaffirmation seminar with our preppy Foreign Secretary! Join in as audience members fire suggestions for policy at our Liz and she positively embraces them wholeheartedly. Even if the previous suggestion contradicts it.
  3. Down With Dowden- Learn breakdancing with Minister Oliver Dowden. Looks like it’s not only the Left that can have a good time!
  4. Punching Down With Priti- As a follow up to her widely successful talk last year (Stepping On The Little Man) Patel tells it like it is with no one from the shirking left to the revolutionary woke able to escape her assaults. Like a Apache lining up a boatload of migrants this can’t be missed
  5. In The Big House, my Time as PM- The event we’ve all been waiting for a hour of Stand up from The Right Honourable Boris Johnson. For fans of Boris, Manning and Brown be prepared to call for austerity (on the laughter) as BJ splits your sides with tales from his bonkers years in power. From hiding in fridges to shaking hands with infected Coronavirus patients it’s all here! Guest appearance from Labour leader (and all round baddie Kier Starmer.

There’ll also be some classic fairground attractions like “pin the benefit on the claimant”, the burning of the Corbyn “guy” and of course dodgems! But strictly no U-Turns

Driving Licence

Friends! Brexiteers! Patriots! Lend me your ears. Like 2016 we must once again band together and save this country, Christmas and it’s soul. The devilish EU on collusion with traitorous Remainers have seen to it that van drivers all over the UK are being recalled for new orders.

In a foul attempt to drag Britain to its knees haulage firms have begun bleating about relaxing visa rules for foreign workers. Not only would this be a betrayal of Brexit but a knife to the heart of the hard working patriots who have striven to make this great nation great again.

Saving Britain shouldn’t be about allowing a few hundred Turks in to distribute Amazon deliveries but should be the perogative of the thousands of Brits just itching to get behind the wheel! Me and the lads have been knocking our heads together and think we’ve got it.

We take all the homeless lads, give em a quick wash and stick em on the motorways! Most of the lads are ex-military anyway so they’ll know how to drive a waggon.

Put em in the HGVs and send em on thier way! It solves two problems instantly and slaps the face of leering labourite Kier Starmer.

For to long the feckless have got away with roaming our streets asking for change, well we’ll give em the biggest change of thier lives!

Into the breach once more!

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